To Say it or Not ???

Okay nowadays...

You can text, email, im, facebook message, facebook wall, call, blackberry im....whoa. You get the point. And most of the time if communication is not face to face - some of the message will get lost.

So with new friends, new relationships do you say it or not. When you are frustrated, drunk, scared, emotional .... do you say it or just act like nothing is bothering you???

My opinion. If you feel it. Say it.

But don't say it when you are feeling it.

When you are upset.....write it....save it as a draft. Once you have some space from it, look at it again. Edit it. Make it as concise and truthful as you can. Say it and do it once. Meaning pick one form of communication. And clearly state how you feel. And then let it be. Yes, they got it. If they aren't responding......that's a response enough.

Don't play the games, but make sure you are always clear in what you say you want....
Because you don't always get what you want...but you never know if you don't try.
xo,
Penelope

Expectations

Okay look.

If you have an expectation of a date, a conversation, a party, a vacation....it's likely not to be met.

What do I mean? Basically if you have this expectation, you need to share your vision with others or go to work to make it happen. If you let your mind dream and drift away, usually reality cant live up to the vision.

This does not mean do not have high expectations of life. It just means go out there and make them happen instead of sitting back and dreaming about them.

Nice Guys

So here is a hilarous thought.

All my life, guys that were "nice" to me, I wasn't attracted to? I mean, that means I have serious issues. No it's true. I do, but I am working on it.


Now when a guy or girl gives me a compliment....I feel either it's insincere or like I want to run. It's sooo strange. I feel like it's the oddest thing someone is vocally telling me I am smart, or pretty, or witty or fun.


I guess this happens when you've been with someone that just doesn't pay you compliments and mostly nags at your bad habits.


So the next time someone pays you a compliment, that is the way it should be. People should love you and want to be nice to you. If they aren't, that is not normal. And nooo.....playing a game with them won't make them say a compliment. So stop fishing. Stop working for it. Be around people that like you, and openly share it.

Now time for me to take that advice! :)

Risks

Let's be honest.

We all take some sort of risks. And we think we know what we have to lose or gain.

So what happens when you have nothing to lose? You will either stand still or take the biggest risks of your life.

Personally, I can't stand still. I can't stand people who do. Either move back, forward or somewhere just move.

So I am risk taker. I mess up. I fall. I make mistakes. But I think it's the only way I have learned. It's the only way I have become who I am. So people who haven't changed lately, I think they are just standing still.

My risks lately have included all aspects of my life....and every way I do things. I will say so far, I feel like I have made small mistakes but overall feel great about moving in a new direction. It's exciting to have a new direction, you have to be open to the possibilites. You have to be ready to change. It's a risk.

So far I have gone on interviews, emailed CEO's for meet and greets, moved to a new apt I have no idea if I can afford, change my hair, joined a kickball team, met 1,000 new people, travelled more this summer than I ever have, threw myself into being a aunt, and changed my daily routines.

Is it's not a "new me" and not easy. But it's me growing....a risk.

Stop giving it out for free!

Okay just a bit of a rant.

Girls throw themselves at guys. They do their laundry. Watch their dog. Pay for his dinner. Have casual sex with them. Pick up their car. Stand by while they date "the other girl". Answer the texts. Buy him gifts.

Then they wonder why he isn't going to commit to you?

Look someone wants to give me a free car, I am not going to pay for one??????

And no, they know you so they aren't going to suddenly realize how awesome you are.

Take Care of You

Ladies,
You are not resposnible for saving any men.
If they can't get their act together......it's not your job to save them.

You are only responsible for you.
You can only save you.

You can't normally change men, let alone save them.

I could give you a thousand examples. But stop justifying it. It's that simple.

From Eat, Pray, Love..

"YOU DONT NEED A MAN, YOU NEED A CHAMPION."

Games we play

What game do you play?

We all have our act. Do you act coy and innocent? Do you act like you are a sports buff? Do you act like you are the best lay he'll ever get? Do you act like you love to fish? Interested in cars?

You get what I am saying. When you begin your flirting, there is that old habit that kicks in. I read an interesting article that 91% of the time, it's not the 'real' you.

Woman often dont show themselves until the 3rd or 4th date. Err....so get this 78% of relationships end after the 3rd of 4th date.

Oh no.

Who's fault is this?

Well .... I dont like to point blame.

But here is the thing, try really hard to show yourself. Try to put yourself forward.

Because you put out this really tough girl that only wants sex, and isn't out for a relationship like all those other stupid girls......but then suddenly turn into the neurotic upset girl that can't understand why he didnt call after the amazing sex????

Well.
He fell for the first image you put out there....and is probably running from the second one.

But someone will love you for you. You just have to show it to them :)
xo,
Penelope

Frenemies

Girls will call many people friends.

They might even tell you "Oh my gosh, you seem so popular like you have so many friends"
but look deeply.

Friendship is an unselfish, loyal, caring commitment to another person.

So look around make sure your friends are treating you as a friend.

Otherwise you might be a frenemie. They are keeping you close cause you are the enemy......

(Another note: Girls that dont have girlfriends and only guyfriends.....BAD NEWS.)

xo,
Penelope

It's okay to be sad

Right.
The break up.

We all know that if it ends....it was for a reason. If we break up, it's broken...

So in the beginning we are angry, yelling, upset. Then our girlfriends surround us with love and attention and we feel empowered, sure, and independent.

But the dust settles and then comes the sadness.

It's strange to "mourn" the loss of a relationship; because the person you are "mourning" is right in front of you. So wouldn't it be easier just to run back and relieve the sadness?

A HUGE AMOUNT OF WOMAN run back to the wrong relationships at this point. Because they just aren't okay with being sad.

You need to know if you missing a relationship that is one you really want or one you really don't. This has to be done separate of the sadness.

Don't fill the void with the same mistake that you'll find yourself back at square one all over again....if it's really broken, it's okay.

Be sad. Be okay with the sadness. Cry. Make a mixed tape of Phil Collins, Police and Air Supply. But don't run for comfort.

Be strong. You'll get through it. Promised.

Love yourself, you won't be sad forever.
xo,
Penelope

It's YOUR pleasure

This is going to be short and sweet.
Cause it's so easy.

It's all about you and how good you feel.
With you, him, that, them or this.

If it doesn't feel AMAZING. Then figure it out by yourself.

Why not?? If you don't appreciate you, no one else will.

Shouldn't They All?

Ha.

Okay admit it. You've been flirted with or talked to a guy and had no interest. BUT the attention was nice.

But suddenly if they take that away from you. YOU ARE DEVASTATED. Like I didn't want you but you should definitely want me.

Why?

It's this odd notion that every man should be in love with us forever. No matter what. Even if we don't want them.

I think it also plays into the fact that if someone doesn't want you, you want it even more.

So next time some loser guy that paid one compliment to you is now one to his next target. Remember why would you want that anyway?

xo,
Penelope

The Chase

Oh some of us...me mostly.

We love the Chase. The ridiculous chase.

We are on the high of does he love, does he not? Will he call, will he not? Will he text, will he not? We somehow translate this high into "spark" or even "love".......

Then when suddenly we have no one paying attention to us, we come crashing back down. Then we look to Plan B or the Back Burner to see if our steady stand by is there. Sometimes that Plan B is the person we love and should be with but the thrill of the chase keeps us from seeing it. So then we are at the bottom of the sea thinking no one loves us cause the chase is ended.

Wait did the phone just ring? HOLD. Wait, not him. Get the scuba gear. Back to the bottom of the sea.

Many questions this will open up....is the chase the unrealistic attention that can't sustain a real relationship? Our can it actually turn into a real relationship?

What about the people that don't go after the chase; they simply just wont take the risk. They seem to fall in love and stay committed. All without the highs and lows of the chase.

The chase is your ego getting a boost. If you have the self esteem you should and love yourself. The chase won't give you the highs and lows. It will just be people coming and going. And if they really love you for you they'd still be there. Sooo if there not. Who cares!!!!!

Time to go make me feel good about me :)

xo,
Penelope

Rose Colored Glasses

You know the days.
You decide not to look at the world as it really is, ingore all the signs, turn down the warnings, and just proceed with no care in the world.

Well I rarely have them but when I do. Whoa.

I think it's most important we all face reality. You have to. If you don't you'll wake one day asking how did not see all this??? Or you'll wake up to find everyone saw what you didn't and couldn't man up and show you.

If you have REAL friends, they will come to and try to make you take off your rose colored glasses and see the world as it is.

But if you don't want to. You won't. I have many friends that REFUSE to. I still love them, but wonder why they don't want to see the real world? Why they want to have to put on the glasses everyday?

You have one life, so live it as you will.....but I hope it's as magical as it can be without any glasses to make it better.

xo
Penelope

The Spark

AGH.
How many of us chase after the spark? the banter? the mean flirting?

Well. some insight.

So guys invited the Spark ....."so they could not call, treat you badly, and convince you that anxiety and the fear that develops naturally, is a spark. and women love it cause they love the drama. Women thrive off that."

Right. Read that again. SO THEY CAN TREAT YOU BADLY AND FEAR???? Ladies.....expect more.

For real. Agh.
And I like mean flirting.
I am digusting with myself.

xo
Penelope

Cheating.....the most selfish act

Cheating.
It's an odd habit.
The definition of the verb is
1. to deceive by trickery, to swindle
2. to mislead, to fool
3. to elude, or escape
4. to act dishonestly.
3. to break the rules of the games.

So one has to ask....
Would you want to be with you someone that deceived you, swindled you, mislead you, made a fool out of you, escape the commitment, acts dishonestly, and breaks rules????

Even if they say I love you?

I am hoping that most of us, say NO.

Well then......why do so many people cheat?
Ha.
Well, its a selfish act. They cheat because they need something they are lacking, feel as if they deserve more, need to break rules of society rules of relationship, boredom, a thrill, or here is my personal favorite: "because you let them". In this article, if you let a partner cheat he or she will end up cheating again.....it's 60% of them are repeat offenders. ouch.

If you realize you are needing to venture outside your own relationship for something else, why not tell the partner (as hurtful as it will be) and then carry on....

Well most people do not cheat to leave their relationship. Selfish right? They simply need a "need" filled and then want to stay in their current situation. I want to scream. It becomes all about them and their needs. They won't leave, so the person hurt and cheated on still has to be the bigger person......

Clearly, if someone cheats they are not thinking about the other person. It's all about them.

Some say fessing up to an affair is selfish, as it enables you to get the guilt off your chest. I have a hard time with this. I think if you are man or woman enough to admit your wrong doings....you are a step above. Maybe I am crazy, but you cant hold a lie like that for the long run. No relationship can last with out trust....

I just think this....cheating is a horrible way to go. It most often looks like the easy way....get what you need with no knowing and keep your mouth shut. Hmm....no. Just open your mouth and get dialogue started with the person you "love."

Love feedback on this one!
xo
Penelope

To Settle or To Not

Settling.

It makes us all nervous to ask the question....am I settling? It shouldn't because if you aren't you'll know it. And that what this blog is all about....stripping it down and really looking at your life.



Why do people settle? For so many reasons, they have run out of options, they feel like this is their only choice, they need xyz now so they have to go with what is in front of them. They feel like if they hold out for what they really want they will never get it.



So that's what you want out of life?? To settle instead of finding what you really want? If you can talk yourself into that, let me know. I would love to hear that justification.



I read somewhere that 65% of woman feel like they settled in at least one relationship, so 65% of you know what I am talking about. You either ignored the fact because you really wanted it to work, thought he could change, wanted the ring and dress, thought this was your last chance, really wanted a baby, it was the right time, everyone else really liked him, he came from such a good family.....right.



Remember that list of your "ideal" partner. Keep it handy and know it will change....but make sure that your partner is matching this list.....or you are settling.



Don't want someone who cheats, calls you names, doesn't allow you out, controls you, makes you feel bad about yourself, yells......then why are you?



I do want to make it clear that "settling" is different than "compromise". You can compromise on where you go to dinner, what movie you see, who's house for the holidays.....You can settle for someone who's values, moral, and life goals are different than your own. Everyone has to compromise on some things, but no one should have to settle.



On "How I Met Your Mother" there was an episode that talked about in every couple someone has settled. It was cute where the couples went back and forth on who was the hotter one or cooler one and who settled for who. Here's the thing. They all "compromised" on a few things, but none of them settled. We all have different wants in a relationship. Laughter, Smarts, Looks, Intelligence, Sex, Family, Communication...and some will be more important than others. So you won't settle on what is on the top of your list but you might compromise on the last few things....



It's just my experience that you can't change anyone. They might change themselves for you....but you can't do it for them.



So even though you might think you aren't good enough and need to take the used, half eaten, slice of pizza....you don't wait for the real thing. Know what kind of pizza you want....Does it have to have pineapple, jalapenos, Swiss cheese but you don't care about the crust? Wait for it! It will taste that much better. :)
xo
Penelope

Happiness

Here is a HUGE concept that most of us wrestle with our entire lives. HUGE.



To be happy.



Right, now I could write a lot of about finding happiness is relationships, sex, companionship, friendship, work, food.....



But for now....let's talk relationships.



Are you happy or are you not?



I find that I have a lot of friends that aren't. But they are in still in the same situation. Why?? Oh people can make up a million excuses..."It'll pass, Kids, Money, House, Family, Scared, Fear".



Okay, then be okay with the fact that you aren't happy.



Otherwise you are going to have to do something....You'll be a better husband, wife, kid, co-worker, friend if you are happy.



Example: Parents often say that they stay in relationships for the kids. Sooo seeing a parent unhappy their entire lives is good for a kid. It's not. Seeing happy, healthy parents in good relationships is good for kids.



If you aren't happy, say something. Ask for help. Go to therapy. Try a new way. Do it differently.



But don't freeze. Don't be too scared to be happy. You know the people I am talking about, they are miserable but won't do a thing about it. Make sure if your life you aren't repeating any of the same habits. If you freeze in one part of your life, it tends to start to bleed to other parts as well.



Don't be afraid to want to be happy. You have one life. You will be unhappy and make mistakes. But just try again. Sounds sooo simple and gosh I know it's not.



Here is my best advice. Lists. Make a list of what you want is your ideal relationship, friendship, job, etc. Then compare your boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, job to that list. Hmmm....are you really happy or are you settling?



Now settling is an entirely different blog :)
xo Penelope

Emotionally Unavailable

Here is something I have struggled with my entire life. I am the most emotionally available person you'll ever meet.....but I tend to go for guys that are not. Classic Mr. Big and Aidan? Good boy vs. Bay Boy?





Where does this come from? Why do girls go after guys that are not available?





Well first, let's define unavailable. This can be a guy that is married, gay, immature, carrying too much baggage, in love with someone else, enabled by bad people, addiction problems, you get the picture.





The first step is to be able to know the guy is unavailable.





This means you have to really look at him. Can he tell you anything? Vice Versa? Does he express his feelings? Has he dealt with issues that have happened along the way? Do you talk about your future together? Does he have great friends that he talks to? I mean this is up to you, either you can see it or not. But that's all up to you....if you don't want to see it....you wont. You can go your entire life and not see it. It's hard once you do, you have to deal with it and most girls would rather not.





The second step is to know why you are interested?





Expensive therapy will tell you that you do not think you are worthy of someone that is emotional available. If someone is available they will be able to love you and you don't think you are deserving of the love.





So not a huge surprise, it starts with you. If you want a guy that is emotionally available to love you and give you what you want......you have to be open to it and you have to think you are good enough. Love yourself enough to let someone else love you.





The third step is to know you can't change the emotionally challenged.





This is where most girls seem to trip up. Look, people CAN change, but you CAN'T change someone. If he is a cheater, there is a reason he cheats. So either he can go to therapy and work on that part of himself or he'll cheat on you. Now since he is not in tune with his emotions, going to therapy would probably be easy. If he is married, you can't get to leave his wife. He'll resent you and you'll have nothing to start with. He'll carry her with him. You need to make him be honest with her and you and start facing his emotions. And if he can lie to her, why do you think he is telling you the truth? But again, you won't change him. If he doesn't want to get married, he cant face those emotions of commitment and marriage. You won't change that. Some girl will, but it's not you. He needs to address those underlying issues of why he won't commit but it wont be with you. If he is gay, okay I am not even going down this road. Really??? Why do you want to be with someone who isn't emotionally available to you???? STOP IT GIRLS!!! You are in a bad relationship, because you want to be there. You may not know it but you do. And if you don't want to be there start liking yourself enough to want more for you......





It will be a hard process....but when I get to the other side we'll see how it goes ;)
xo
Penelope

How Did We Get Here?

Well more importantly where are we going? But to have an idea of where you want to go to have to reflect on the past to make sure you have a clear of vision of where you've been, what you've learned and why you got here.

I am at a point in my life where I need a clear vision of what I want. I find the most times I really know what I want and how to get it is when I am discussing with friends and family. So that's my hope, I want to share my experiences (and steal some from friends) to start dialogue and shared successes and failures.

Let me be clear, I not a therapist but seem to have an okay vision into what makes people tick. I am not perfect, but I think I am an open book. So hopefully my open book helps me learn, and inspires a few along the way.

So stay tuned as I undress the last few years of experience, and strip down the future....look forward to see where we all go...........

xo
Penelope